We rolled into and out of Cusco without ever seeing the sun. Only once our little cab had begun its winding descent into the valley outside of the city did my sleep deprived brain begin to churn into motion. This is what Peru is supposed to look like I thought to myself. Green valleys exploded in front of us, puffy clouds grey with impending rain scattered across the horizon, mountains in the distance. I’ve lived near mountains my entire life, but my mountains looked nothing like what I saw here. These were not mountains, but massive, sleeping giants that reached into the sky above us. We were nothing compared to these mountains. These mountains were strangers to me, and yet I loved them instantly.
After the cab we climbed into the back of a truck and set off up a dirt road, after the truck we began to walk. We would walk for the next four days.
Our legs carried us up and up through a lush green valley, above us stood these massive white faces that looked down on us. To the Peruvians Mother Earth is known as Pachamama. I wondered if Pachamama was looking down at her little gringo children. I wondered if she thought of us at all.
We climbed. 11,000 feet, 12,000 feet, 13,000 feet. Tomorrow we would go even higher. Tomorrow we would cross over Salkantay Pass which stood at 15,200 feet, more than 5,000 feet below the peak which bore it’s same name.
As we went to sleep that night, buried under fleece blankets to block out the cold, I wondered what it would be like at 15,200 feet. I couldn’t imagine it. I could only wait for morning to come. I guess I’ll find out I thought as I feel asleep.
And then it was morning. Or, at least, it was time to get up. We dressed in the dark, ate our breakfasts, and listened sleepily as our guide gave us the instructions for the day. I really hope I’m understanding him correctly I thought, knowing that I was the only one here who spoke even remedial Spanish.
Later we would come to find out that I actually hadn’t understood our guide fully. But in the grand scheme of things it didn’t really matter. My misinterpretation would cost us a few hours without our bags, about $100 american dollars, and a fair bit of sanity as I attempted to explain a rather complicated situation in Spanish. But then again, what is travel if not a series of memory-creating fuck ups?
Anyway. By 9am we had summited Salkantay pass, and although it was cold and crowded, and blindingly bright, I thought I should never want to leave this place. I feel like I’m being obtuse when I say that I literally cannot describe its beauty. But there you have it, that’s what pictures are for.
My alarm is blaring, it’s freezing in our hostel, and it’s far too early. My brain feels blurred around the edges, and things come slowly into focus as I shiver into the clothes that I laid out the day before. Thank you past self, I sleepily think. Outside our bus is waiting and we board with a dozen other half-asleep gringos and rumble out of the city. I know I’ll likely never see Arequipa again, this mountain city in Peru, and yet that fact doesn’t keep me from falling asleep as soon as the bus hits the road. That’s something they don’t tell you about international travel: that not every experience you have will be a mind-blowing, spiritually-awakening, self-realizing journey of discovery and love. Sometimes it’s just a pre-dawn bus ride.
Eight hours before I was in Lima which, and I’m being really honest here, is a really hard city to love. I’m sure people do love it there. Mothers love their especially awful children too. But I don’t. The city seems half way between Spanish colonialism, and a botched construction job. In all but the nicest parts of the city cinder-block buildings dominate, cops adorn more street corners than not, and traffic blares, rumbles, and honks its way through the streets. Lanes aren’t a thing here, but then again neither are stop signs, pedestrian crosswalks, or logical right-of-way. Dully I realize that life in Los Angeles has made the hectic sprawl of Lima seem rather tame. That’s nice.
And yet, the city does have some charm, though I cannot explain it’s origin. Perhaps it comes from the fact that nobody is interested in catering to my needs. English speakers are few and far between, and locals seem only marginally interested in spoiling this confused blanca and her endearingly white boyfriend. It’s refreshing. It’s also annoying at times.
I wake on the bus and we’re on the side of the road. We stumble out and watch the condors slide overhead. It’s incredible to see these birds. The same birds I remember learning about in third grade, and the likelihood they’d be extinct soon, probably within my life time soon. But here they are! It’s amazing.
Then we’re back on the bus, then we’re off the bus, and then just like that we’re below the rim of the Colca Canyon and it’s quiet. Really quiet. The canyon drops thousands of feet below us to a rushing river that looks like no more than a stream from where we are. We hike down down down, and then because we are foolish and because rest is for those with vacation time, we hike up up up and across the other side of the canyon. And I’ll spare you the details, but after all the hiking up we do, we turn right around and hike back down into the canyon, all the way to the bottom to the little town of Llahuar.
Our lodge there is everything I could have wished it to be. There are warm cocktails, and dinner, and little Peruvian women who giggle at my flawed spanish, and yet are so gracious and helpful. There are even hot springs and after dinner we soak in the water. Allowing our muscles to unwind as we watch the super moon rise.
Tomorrow we’ll hike out of the canyon. The sun will bake down on our heads in, what I’m coming to learn, only an equatorial sun can do. On our hike up we’ll realize that we don’t have enough water, and at least I don’t have enough food, and there is no shade. But it’s ok, because all there is to do is hike. When we get back to Cabanaconde on the rim of the canyon we’ll guzzle water and eat a lunch which, is by all objective standards completely average, but in the moment is perfect.
The roof of hidden lake lookout needed replacing. Badly. Cedar shingles, once a cheerful blonde, had turned grey and cracked after nearly 30 years of abusive Washington weather. Our hosts, Robert and Ethan scrambled across the lookout’s roof, installing the new shingles. Ones that would hopefully last as long as their predecessors (read: 20 years longer than they were intended to). To say the two men moved with ease would belie the precarious nature of the situation. Only Ethan had a harness, and while I could not ascertain how safe his rigging system was, it certainly had to provide greater safety than Robert’s, which, consisted of a knotted piece of rope wrapped repeatedly around his leg. It was this rope that would, at least in theory, prevent Robert from plummeting the 500 feet off the side of the mountain should he slip from the roof.
Just six hours earlier I’d been waking to a 4am alarm and loading my gear into Rob’s battered Subaru Outback, grateful, if for nothing else, that the lingering smell of gasoline had faded since the last time I was in this car. As we drove through the predawn light, the urban glimmer of Seattle faded into the background, and our conversation turned to the dreaded permitting system. The goal was to beat the rush to the ranger station and secure one of the elusive Hidden Lake Lookout permits. As we pulled into the parking lot, we knew we had failed. The parking lot was filled with bleary-eyed people, more than a few of whom had spent the night in their cars. Rob returned to the car with our number, 13. My lucky number. We had to get a permit now, we just had to.
And we did.
Although it came with the warning that the lookout would likely be closed for repairs. Well then. That was just a chance we’d have to take.
Ultimately, no chances had to be taken. No blustery bivies set up on an exposed ridge. Just a few hours of honest work helping to restore the old lookout would secure our lodging for the night.
After the work had been done our group of four, now turned to six, sat atop the rocky summit and watched one of the most incredible sunsets I’ve ever seen. The conversation turned to the niceties that had been foregone earlier. Where are you from. What do you do. I couldn’t help but feel self-conscious about my answers, especially surrounded by our new companions. Los Angeles, and advertising, seemed impractical and vain next to Ethan, the Boulder-based photographer, and Robert the possibly-nomadic lookout care-taker.
The thoughts of employment and value had been circling my head for the previous month as I started a job hunt. What value is there is selling luxury cars, pimping mobile video games, and pushing content onto disinterested consumers? How does advertising, media, PR, marketing, any of it; how does any of it better our world? At 28 I’d already started to look around and wonder what my contribution to this little blue rock would be. How would I structure my life differently were I not saddled with more student debt than my annual salary? Or was my debt simply an excuse I used to keep myself in a city I felt no love for, and a job I had increasingly become disinterested in.
Robert said having a job just gets in the way of the important things in life. I was surprised he didn’t finish his sentence with the hippy-cliché, a drawn out, maaaan. But man, maybe he was right. If not for the desire for a bigger house, why do I need more money? I certainly don’t have much interest in a new car, a bigger (or any) TV. So then, what the fuck am I doing?
The answer is, I’m not sure. This isn’t a blog post about where I suddenly discover the meaning of life from a mountain top guru. That’s the stuff of Hollywood movies, and frankly it’s crap, the notion that life’s choices can be distilled into an instant. Instead, our trip through the North Cascades left me with open eyes and a deep, aching desire to return to Washington to explore further. And Robert left me with more questions than I started with, and an urgent desire to find a place in the world that would better align with my lifestyle, values, passions, whatever you want to call it. No, no answers were found. But that’s just the way life is…. maaaaan.
I woke up in the back seat of my car, just as the sun started to creep over the granite faces that marked the entrance to Sequoia National Park. Now, this probably sounds like opening to a story where I confess that I’ve become homeless and destitute. But I promise that’s not the case. Instead I was casually sleeping on the side of the road so that I could get to the ranger station early in order to secure my backcountry permit. I had been looking forward to this trip all week: 30 miles and nearly 10,000 feet of gain, up and over innumerable passes in Sequoia’s Mineral King backcountry. Just me and my backpack. For this trip I wouldn’t even have a tent. Actually, you know what, that does sound a little bit like homelessness. Sorry mom.
9am found me on the trail, steadily climbing up into the mountains. Away from the friendly rangers, away from my happy little car, away, in a sense, from safety. I knew this trip was going to be hard. I had planned this trip specifically so it would be hard. I wanted a real challenge, and to strip away everything I thought I could do without. I knew the only way I’d make my goal (finishing the entire loop and making it back to my car before dark on Sunday) would be to go as light, fast, and lucky as possible. I was really, really excited.
I get a lot of praise and incredulity from my mountain exploits. Just as often as people tell me I’m amazing or badass, they also tell me I’m crazy. And then, without prompting, people love to tell me they could never do what I do. That they’d be too scared of bears/snakes/the dark/getting lost/whatever, to hike alone in the wilderness. Do you want to know a fun fact? That’s true. And no amount of being told how safe the wilderness can be, or what steps to take to protect yourself will convince those people otherwise.
Now, I can hear what you’re saying what kind of crap is she getting at? and that’s not very inspirational! And yeah, you’re correct. But you know what is also correct? That you can’t logic yourself out of fear. In my experience, the only way you get over the shit you tell yourself you can’t do is to do it. Sorry buttercup.
It was 5pm when I sat on a blackened log in the middle of a recent burn area. The scorched earth matched my mood as I dutifully stuffed calories in my face. Just hours before I had been frolicking through a Disney-esque mountain landscape irrationally happy and fueled with gluten free oreos. Now, I was having a low moment. This is supposed to be hard I told myself, that’s the point. Strangely that helped me feel better. Good, I thought if it’s hard, and it sucks, then I’m doing it right. Heaving my bag onto my shoulders I slogged down the trail. I walked, and I walked and I walked. Up and over mountains, past lakes.
And I kept doing it all the way into camp. Oh my god, I have never been happier to see a camp. And eat food, and sit down and know I don’t have to move for several hours. Funny how the little things can seem so luxurious.
Hammock camping had proved to be a complete disaster as every little breeze made me think that a bear was swatting at me like a meat-piñata. But morning had finally come, and despite my sleep deprivation I was ready to get on the trail. A breakfast of too-sweet coffee and s’mores ensued, and soon I was summiting the first pass of the day. I felt incredible, let out a primal yell of joy incredible. Do a dance on top of the mountain incredible! I practically ran down the backside of Black Rock Pass, thinking to myself it’s all downhill from here. And then it started to rain.
And this is the best part of backpacking. Which I know sounds like crap, but bear with me. The part of the day where you realize you’ve miscalculated mileage. The part of the day where you realize the final pass you have to climb is 2,400 feet up, not 500 feet up. The part of the day when it starts to rain and then hail on you but you don’t have a rain jacket because you thought you’d be back at the car by now. Those parts are freaking awesome.
Why? Because when you’re on the trail, the only way out is through. And when things go to crap, you have no choice but to get your shit together and hike your soggy butt over the mountain. Because, literally, there is no alternative. Well, I guess you could curl up under a tree and live like a squirrel for the rest of your life, but I know personally I would miss things like electricity and warm showers, so you should probably just keep hiking
And look, eventually I did make it out. I didn’t have to fashion a laptop out of twigs and pinecones in order to write this blog post. Eventually I got back to my car, and it was still daylight too. And as a result I’m pretty sure I’m a stronger person for it. And I know for a fact that I’m a heck of a lot more appreciative of the little things. Like sitting on soft stuff that isn’t rocks, and not smelling terrible. Seriously though, deodorant is pretty incredible.
So maybe give yourself some credit, and try something you think you can’t do. Because what is the worst that could happen, you get eaten by a bear? Ok, yeah that probably is the worst case scenario. But when you wake up in the mountains and you realize you haven’t been eaten by a bear, and you didn’t die, or wake up to find a gaggle of hillbillies have made you their bride, you’ll probably be pretty proud of yourself, and realize that maybe nature isn’t such a big, scary place.
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