Wild Country Found

Mazama Village at Crater Lake (mile 1821) to the junction of the PCT and rim alternate, I think. (mile 1839)

I think it has taken my brain four months to power down into thru hiker mode, and now that it’s reached this point I’m worried it is going to ruin my life. Or frankly, it has just occurred to me that a far more pressing worry is that I will fight against any urge to drastically change my life after the trail. In many ways the easiest path would be to simply return to the lifestyle I had before I started the trail. Change, especially that which falls towards the edges of the socially normative, requires a good deal of bravery and a tenacious belief that you’re making the right choice.

I’m not sure I can find a way to say this where it won’t sound pretentious and utterly privileged, but I’ll try my best to wrap this around to a coherent idea by the end of the post. And awaaay we go!

Boulder Colorado is a very high achieving town. Certainly athletically, but also academically and vocationally. This is in partly because during the Vietnam war young men were able to defer the draft while enlisted in higher education. As a result, college towns such as Madison, WI, Austin, TX, Eugene, OR, and of course Boulder, CO received an influx of mostly while, very libral, highly educated young people. And because Boulder is located near some amazing hiking, climbing, and skiing, many of those young people were also athletically inclined. After these second wave hippies graduated college many of them stayed around Boulder, grew up, got married, and had some kids. I am one of those kids, and I have inherited the norms of a society where it is very important to perform at a high level in athletic and intellectual pursuits. Winning age group awards at Ironman triathlons while owning a small organic dog food company while driving your two beautiful kids and equally athletic husband to weekend soccer games five hours away in Grand Junction is the norm in Boulder. It is not extraordinary to think that I would have an impressive career and do long thru hikes.

Unfortunately I have never had much direction or urgency when it comes to my career. A friend told me that when I was in third grade I told her maybe I’d drive one of those cars with ads on the sides, because I didn’t know what else I would do. Have I told you that story before? I’m pretty sure I have, but it succinctly illustrates how I so often felt as a kid. I was a pragmatic child, I could think my way out of every career I knew of—granted that was a limited number. I never wanted to be anything, not until senior year in highschool where I somehow won an award in a filmmaking competition and that was good enough to get me into film school. But only after that win did I decide I wanted to go to film school. I went because I appeared to be good at it, not because it was a childhood dream—which is what so so many of my classmates told me. But at 30, it feels like the end of stumbling through life without clear goals.

And here is the part where I bring it all back around. My concern is that I am too comfortable with the idea of returning to some version of a corporate creative gig in which I sell something, basically advertising, in order to fund the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed. The second problem is that I have no idea what I would do alternatively, and coming in third with the bronze is the problem that I will need some source of income regardless. These concerns are all compounded by the fact that all I think about recently is wandering through a forest with a tiny little pack, and those two lifestyles aren’t really cohesive. Who do you know who is in a high powered career and also scampers off half the year to travel very slowly on foot?

In some ways this feels so cliche it hurts. White woman goes to the mountains, there she thinks a great deal and maybe has a vision in which a fox is her mother, she emerges months later, changed and fulfilled.

But what else? What the dingly dangly else?!?

The morning we walked into Crater Lake village the trail was a smooth, buttery brown, soft with fallen pine needles and so gentle under foot. There were great tall trees in all directions. An infinite depth of trees. A whole other world of trees and soft moss in the yellow sun with chickadees making their cheeseburger call. Keith was a bit ahead of me and I slowed my pace from his because I didn’t want to walk that fast, it felt good to move with less haste. It occurred to me how lucky I am to have these moments, these places and these people, how ratified this is. It made me want to walk away forever into those woods, to see what is on the other side of that hill and fold into the slanting light and green undergrowth.

Campsite at mile 1809 to Mazama Village at Crater Lake (mile 1821)

It feels totally unreal that we are four months into this hike. We’ve left California behind (finally!) and are a third of the way through Oregon. If everything goes to plan we’ll be done with the trail in 6-7 weeks which is totally wild to me. It has taken a while but it feels like we’re finally getting good at thru hiking, or maybe that we’ve just had enough practice so things feel achievable. I still refuse to let myself think about the end of this trail, I’ll believe that I’m going to finish when I see the northern terminus. Until then, here are some more things I’ve learned in the last month.

1. I am a clean freak when contrasted with others on the trail. The other day I was passed by a dude who smelled like a literal poop. When I saw the same hiker in town days later he was stinking up an entire coffee shop, apparently with no inclination to bathe. One dude I met at Hiker Heaven (mile 450ish) told me he’d only showered twice since starting his hike, it seemed to be a point of pride for him. I’ve seen folks who look like they’ve been napping face down in the dirt, and one hiker who was blown away by my use of hand sanitizer after I popped. Apparently he’d just been dealing with terrible stomach issues and hadn’t thought that some kind of hygienic practice might help. In comparison I wipe the dirt from my face, arms, and legs every night before bed with a small pack towel and a little water. It is amazing to wipe away a day of dirt and sunscreen, I sleep way better and my gear is less disgusting as a result. I also shower and do laundry at every town stop. And as I illuded to earlier, I use hand sanitizer after pooping. No, it’s not a terribly robust practice when compared to city life, but it would seem that I am much more prone to cleanliness than my fellow hikers.

2. People can leave the trail for any reason at any time. Early on I’d hear folks say that if you can make it to Warmer Springs you’ll finish the trail. Or Hiker Heaven, or Kennedy Meadows, or the halfway point. But all of those are untrue. People who have hiked 1500 miles will roll their ankle and it will end their hike. Or maybe it’s tendonitis after 1,000 miles, or shin splints, or maybe they miss their significant other, or their kids, or maybe they’re just over this whole hiking thing and want to go home. There is no certainty that you’ll finish your thru hike, and the idea that making it to a certain landmark ensures you’ll finish is false. I will say that people who have a hard deadline, or something pulling them off trail are more likely to quit. If you find yourself thinking whistfully about how much better things will be at home, then you’ll probably be going home soon.

3. Thru hiking is terrible for your posture. Seriously we look like naval gazing question marks. Somebody get me a straight backed chair!

4. I’m pretty sure nobody is getting laid on the trail. Everybody is disgusting, the gender ratio is way skewed towards men, and while I know that pink-blazing* exists, I would encourage those doing the chasing to question if the person they are going after wants to be chased. Even as a couple we rarely have sex outside of town stops. The great outdoors seems like a romantic place, but once you’re four days into a section and smell like beef stew and cat piss that appeal goes out the window. *pink-blazing is the term for when a man (typically) changes his hiking schedule to pursue a woman (again, typically. Trail lingo is pretty hetero-normative).

5. It is possible to transcend mosquito bites. At a certain point you’ll have twenty plus bites on your legs and arms, but you know scratching won’t help so you just accept it.

6. You will not get any stronger on a long thru hike. Not objectively at least. For clarification, I do believe you will become a stronger hiker, and probably emotionally and mentally stronger as well, but muscular strength? Nah. Hiking as much as we are is highly calorically consumptive, and at a certain point you’ll start to mow through your muscle mass. I’ll be interested to see how much my squat and deadlift numbers will have decreased by the end of the trail—I know I certainly feel weaker than I did when I started. Perhaps the only folks who won’t experience a loss of muscle mass are those who were primarily endurance athletes with little to no strength training experience.

7. Stay on your side of the tent! I have one side of the tent I always sleep on. When we divide chores we pick the same ones again and again. Having some constants on the trail really simplifies things. I know I always set up my sleeping bag on the right of the tent, that if I set up the tent Keith will filter water and start to make dinner. This means we don’t have to decide who sleeps where or does what when we arrive in camp. It means that when we are tired and hot we don’t have to make a choice, we can just fall into the habit of the trail and get everything done so we can escape the mosquitos in the tent.

8. It is important to figure out your eating, resting, hiking ratio. You’ll have a better time if you know how you hike and what your needs are. I’ll use my preferences as an example. I’d like to wake at six in the morning, eat breakfast in the tent, pack, poop, and be walking by seven. Keith needs a little more time however, so we’re normally on the trail by 7:30; this is one of the arguments that’s not worth having. About two hours into the day I’m really hungry and take 15-20 minutes to eat a meal I call second breakfast but I’m terms of food is basically lunch. I dunno why I like to cram most of the day’s calories into the morning but there ya have it! Then there are one or two afternoon snacks, camp, dinner, writing, bed. I want short breaks, loosely spaced, I like to hike slowly, and I want to be in camp before 7. Other people want to be hiking at 5am, 20 miles by 2pm, camp by 4pm. Some folks fly down the trail and take a break every hour. Learn how to do you and you’ll hike a better hike.

9. Most PCT hikers have very little sense of adventure when it comes to water sources. Mostly the PCT spoils its hikers with amazing water sources, fast flowing streams and creeks, springs pouring clear and cold straight from the ground, and crystal clear lakes are all par for the course. But some folks will refuse to drink from a stream that’s even a little dirty, and a stagnant pond? No way! But really, y’all got filters, don’t be so worried.

10. I can see how folks fall in love with thru hiking. Very recently my relationship with this hike has changed; becoming more relaxed, in a way less thoughtful or rather, less in my head. I’ve also begun thinking about future long trails I’d like to do and how I’d do them differently than this PCT attempt—so that’s a dangerous sign. Thru hiking is such a privilege of minimalist lifestyle and nature exposure, it’s no wonder folks come back for more.

Campsite at mile 1785 to campsite at mile 1809

The problem is, we are 14 miles into our day, facing a 22 mile dry stretch into Crater Lake, and we can only carry three liters of water each. Let me explain why this is problematic. At the temps we’re hiking in I would like to drink four liters over 22 miles. Already I bet you’re seeing the problem here. Additionally, we cannot do a 36 mile day, it would simply crush us, so we will need to camp in between here and Crater Lake. Camping is at least another two liters of water. In short, we need six liters of water each and we can carry three.

But! Oh there is always a but, dear reader. And this one comes in the form of a potentially fictional stagnant pond right where we’d like to camp tonight. Less ideally, there is also a spring a mile off trail that definitely existed before a fire ripped through this area in 2017, but nobody has been able to find it this season. So that’s fun.

We spend a leisurely lunch chatting with some Oregon section hikers and drinking water in the shade. By the time we depart the last certain water it’s 4pm and the day is starting to cool. If we’re going to be screwed on water we might as well not sweat any more than necessary. Though it’s still hot. So much so that on the final small climb of the day I’m dripping sweat from the tip of my nose. I use my finger as a squeegee across my forehead, flinging the little beads of water into the dry, ashy dirt. The lush forest has evaporated around us to be replaced by a desolate moon scape. Skeletal trees scratch their black arms towards the grey sky. The sun is a neon red ball barely making its presence known. We could be on Mars.

I try and conserve water. Even carrying three liters I know it won’t be enough, but at least I can try and lessen the dehydration tomorrow. It is so hard though. As soon as I tip my bottle to my mouth I’m guzzling, my body can’t help it. The desire for water has overridden my conscious mind. We are so close to camp now and I think to what is left in my food bag that I could eat for dinner; if we’re low on water there is no way I’m cooking a meal with it. I see the sign for the possibility defunct spring and right below it, written on a rock in charcoal it says ‘pond 500.’ And we are saved!

Pond 500! Shorthand for there is a pond 500 feet in the direction of the scrawled arrow. Oh hallelujah hallelujah pond 500! Thank you mystery note writer, thank you a million times over. We scramble up a small hill and there, tucked within an expansive field of blackened trees is the stagnant pond I’ve been dreaming off. The pond has receded from it’s edges and many of the lilies are laying on the muddy bottom, but there is still a little water. Keith ventures out on a log to fill our bottles. It’s a balancing act, but the footprints left by a previous hiker make it apparent that the muddy bottom is not to be trusted less you have your shoes pulled off.

The water is the color of pee that you might see a doctor about but I don’t care. That’s what filters are for! And in the moment I can drink as much as my body needs. They say they trail provides and perhaps that is true, so long as you’re willing to drink stagnant pond water.

South Brown Mountain Shelter (mile 1763) to campsite at mile 1785

The trees here are full of secrets. A thousand faces on each one, all sagging cheeks lined with age, all drooping mustaches of Spanish moss. Their arms held wide to grab or shade or conceal. Stretching away in all directions who knows what is out there, certainly not I on this little ribbon of dirt that I call a home. Between the green of the trees and the grey of the smoke we are cocooned in a moving snow globe. The world revealing itself to us one step at a time while our northbound progress gently closes the door behind us. Above us the sky is a flat white, part cloud or all smoke it is impossible to know, but that flat white sky bleeds to the horizon and suffuses the land with a soft gentle light. Across the ground runs the trail of red dirt, our line of breadcrumbs leading us through this forest with all her secrets. And up high? There is no up high here. Only rolling climbs to a small flat campground where with the slight advantage of height one can see just far enough to know you don’t know anything at all.

Little Hyatt Reservoir Outlet (mile 1741) to South Brown Mountain Shelter (mile 1763)

One of the nice things about heading northbound again is that we are seeing other hikers for more than just a minute at a time. After being just the two of us for weeks, falling into consistent patters it has been an interesting David Attenborough-ish experience to see how other folks function on trail.

Gopher is a Londoner who is on the trail earlier than anybody we’ve seen, and is simultaneously the hiker who has the most leisure time. I think the only reason we’ve seen him more than a few times is because he spends a couple hours each afternoon just relaxing. Shoes and socks off, perched stop his sleeping pad reading a book while drinking his protein shake. He is a man who appears to delight in the preparation of things. In the evenings he sits in the front of his tent with his shirt off doing all the little chores of the evening with great care and little hurry. Then he sits inside his tent and eats dinner. He has a relaxed precision that is so uncommon on the trail. Tall with blonde hair and a surprisingly dark beard he’s easy to spot with his sleeveless shirt and lolloping gait.

Beehive is a Midwesterner skinny white guy with blonde dreds who tells me he has “semi nomadic” for the last three years. He carries one of the smallest backpacks on the trail and smokes copious amounts of weed during the day. Over dinner he tells me that he’s started to keep his bong in his fanny pack so that he can light up while he’s walking. He plans the days between towns by how much food he has, not the other way around, and is taking it slow this section because he had extra due to skipping around the fire closure. However “once I get to Crater Lake I’m probably going to have to go fast again because I don’t think there’s enough food in the box I sent there.” Or maybe he’ll get off in Bend, find a job, and move there. He hasn’t decided yet.

I-5 at Callahans (mile 1718) to Little Hyatt Reservoir Outlet (mile 1741)

I love this picture because it looks like we’re sitting in a camping-themed hologram. It’s a good visual metaphor for what thru hiking feels like sometimes. Actually, a better analogy would be that my memories of thru hiking feel like the highlight reel for a thru hiking hologram experience. You know, the sort of thing that sells you a movie, or any automobile that bills itself as an adventure car. There are certain experiences from the trail that have formed clear recollections. These are the memories that have been edited one after another into this exciting trailer for the experience I’m having. While other memories have been ferried away on the current of the river which is constantly pulling towards the dark part of the brain we can’t reach. Without aid it is impossible to recall a trip this long with day to day detail; this is one of the best reasons to keep a record on the trail, and consequently why so many PCT blogs exist.

Today was our first day in Oregon, and I wonder how much of it I’ll remember by the end of the trail. How about by the end of next year. Will today, like so many of the days in our life, fade into a colorful blur of faces and moments that is the visual shorthand our brain represents a trip, or a week, or your childhood.

I don’t know. Of course I don’t, but it was a good day. Perhaps not astonishing, but good.

Keith cooked us a nice breakfast at the hostle, which gave me time to drink a cup of coffee while I emailed my grandmother and read a bit of my book. The food was kinda bland since you can never count on there being spices in a hostel kitchen. But mine had spinach in it and that made me happy. A nice man named David gave us a ride to the trailhead. He owna a coffee roaster in Ashland which is named after his son, Griffin, who is hiking the Oregon section of the PCT this year as his senior project. The first part of the day was characterized by a series of short but steep rollers as we climbed away from the highway. The sharp little climbs had my calves screaming, which should serve as a good reminder for me to stretch after writing this.

Once we got into the trees a little the smoke wasn’t too bad, though the sun shone a neon red, giving the entire day the feeling of early evening. Like walking through a ten hour sunset—this somewhat made up for the fact that everything beyond 50 meters was blurred with the haze of smoke, rendering all efforts in landscape photography useless.

This area is so so dry, a local man told us there might be lightning tonight. Looking around our camp is a full enough explanation of what he means. The grass is brittle and yellow, the breeze a moisture sucking whisper. The trail today was cracked like a dry desert river, only inches deep into a compact mud. They believe lightning started the Hendrix Fire, so why not here? Southern Oregon is a tinder box. Yet, despite the heat, five days of food and the longer water carries, we arrived at camp early. Time just to sit and enjoy the view while eating ramen. It was good, nice. And now I’ve done a little something for future Kara, so she may come back and recall a nice day in southern Oregon if she ever feels the need to.

Double zero in Ashland, no hiking.

Since we’re not hiking today, I thought I’d talk a little bit about what we do when we’re not on trail. If this sparks any questions feel free to leave them in the comments and I’ll answer them in the next town.

In the thru hiking community any day which you don’t hike is called a zero, as in zero milage hiked. I used to think this was just some in-group lingo for rest days, but after being in the trail for almost four months it has become obvious why the team zero is more appropriate. Just because you’re not hiking, doesn’t mean you’re resting. A day in town consists of so many errands, all of which are substantially less efficient because you don’t have a car nor access to effective public transit, that by the time you’re done it will almost be bedtime. I’ll walk you through our day as it was pretty representative of an average zero.

We woke up in the hostle at 6:30am, because by this time on the trail we’re so used to waking up early it just happens even when I don’t want it to. I spend the first four hours of the day proofreading, uploading, and scheduling blog posts, along with writing any posts which I couldn’t finish the day of—usually this is because we hiked late and I was too tired to do anything but take rough notes and pass out. I also use this time to edit all of my photos from this last section and posting some to Instagram. Maintaining a blog on trail takes up a substantial amount of time, which is why I am so grateful for those of you who have sent me money via my tip jar. On average I put in the work equivalent to a part time job. Your tips are so very appreciated, thank you.

While I write Keith does our laundry like the delight that he is. Seriously, does anybody like doing laundry? I posit the the answer is ‘no’ hence my appreciation of his efforts.

After phone errands, which also consist of emailing my family and the PCTA for whom I am a volunteer writer for the P3 Program working to protect, preserve, and promote the trail, Keith and I head out to grab breakfast and start grocery shopping. Because Ashland is a moderate sized town with a hippie bent I am able to get many of the things my gluten free heart desires at the Ashland Food Co-op. I also spend an arm and a leg on it, but I’m going to have gluten free donuts for breakfast this stretch so it’s fine. This is abundance! I am living my best life, as Oprah would say.

After the store we drop off our initial haul back at the hostel (which is just under a mile each way) and head back out to do run some more errands. Yay!

Keith wants new shorts, which we cannot find at any of the three outdoors stores in town. We then pick up bikes and ride to the south end of town to grab something else, then he wants to ride to go to a brewery on the far side of the freeway—this probably doesn’t really count as errands but I would like the record to show how much I biked my butt around when I would much rather have been sitting immobile on it. After the brewery we go to another grocery store for Keith’s food, some odds and ends that I need, and dinner for that evening. By the time we walk from the store back to the hostle it’s after 7pm and I still haven’t had time to call my family.

It is consistently astonishing how long everything takes and how little rest I feel like I get on these supposed rest days. It is because of this that we usually try and have a day and a half off in town. The ideal being to come in mid-day and do all your errands on the first day so you might have some chance of resting the next day. However, this doesn’t always happen even if you finish hiking early. This is because most of the trail towns aren’t actually on trail, but rather require hitching a ride—a process that can take between five minutes and two hours.

On the somewhat rare occasion we take a double zero the second day in town is where we really get to relax. It’s amazing. If I have finished most of the errands I need to run on the first day, I get to sit around and read on the second day. That’s what I’m doing right now, or rather I was until I figured I should knock out some blog posts so I’m not behind when we hike out tomorrow morning.

Double zero in Ashland, no hiking.

This is in response to a reader question from a ways back, which I hadn’t forgotten about I just couldn’t figure out where to write about it but today was all about errands and laundry and all those other less sexy moments that make up thru hiking. So I wanted to take the time to elaborate on what our camp set up looks like.

Campsite selection:

When choosing a site the two big considerations are how close is it to the milage we want to hike today, and is it near water. The first consideration is relatively obvious and usually not that hard to manage as there are a lot of premade sites right along the PCT—by premade I mean we’re not trampling any grass or vegetation to make our camp, but instead using sites that have been developed by other hikers. And the second should also be somewhat obvious. Water is heavy and it’s nice to have access to as much as you want. Once we arrive in camp the first thing we’ll do is look up to make sure there are no dead trees that could fall on our tent and crush us.

The other big, though infrequent, concern is bears. If there are comments on Guthooks (the app we use most on trail for navigating and information) about bears in the area we will either camp elsewhere, or hang our food in a tree using the lightweight line that Keith carries. Doing a proper bear hang is a real pain and takes about 30 minutes to get it right, hence if we can avoid spots where bears are frequently reported we’ll camp elsewhere.

The rest of the aims when selecting a place to camp are to practice Leave No Trace – 200 feet from water and the trail, don’t camp on anything green or growing, and only in designated or preexisting sites.

Chores:

This is the best thing about hiking with your partner is divining labor. Once we arrive in camp Keith heads off to collect and filter water while I set up the tent. If we’ll have to hang our food I’ll also blow up his sleeping pad and lay out his quilt.

After camp is set up it’s time for dinner! Then comes washing up and bed. Honestly nothing all that exciting happens in camp. By the time we get off the trail we’re so tired that at best we’re near other hikers and can socialize, though most often we’re just ready to do a little phone errands (me writing, Keith watching TV) and sleep.

Campsite at mile 1637 to Seiad Valley (mile 1656)

The road walk into Seiad Valley is demoralizing—there is no other word for it. Except maybe frustrating, that’s apt too. For six miles the PCT follows the shoulder of a two lane road as it makes a long u-turn around the Klamath River. If there were a magical bridge where the trail bisects the river, you’d save yourself four miles of road waking. You can actually see into Seiad Valley where you’re going to end up, and were the river less formidable and the locals were to post fewer ‘No Trespassing’ and ‘We Don’t Call 911’ signs with silhouettes of hand guns, you might say screw it and ford the river. But they do, and the longer you look the sketchier the river appears, so you simply wall the four miles grumbling as the heat from the road rises up through your shoes and begins to cook your feet. Four miles walking under a baking sun along the non-existent shoulder. Four miles of double-X State of Jefferson signs and cars roaring past at speeds that make your entire body tense, just in case you need to dive off the road into the bushes. Ahead looms the 7,000 foot climb that will take you out of this desolate, baking valley with it’s secessionist locals, and northward to the Oregon border—the end of California, the first and biggest state on the PCT.

By the time we arrive in Seiad Valley I already hate this place. My feet ache and burn from waking on the minuscule shoulder of the road, my adrenaline is coursing from being passed by cars who can’t or simply don’t want to give us any space as they scream past, and my lungs are itching from the thick smoke in the air—courtesy of the two forest fires burning just to the north. Inside the blessedly cool general store I buy a Gatorade, a soda, a V8, and a peach before flopping down in the shade under a tree at the neighboring RV park. Timber and Coins are here, so are Detour, Honey, all three members of the Backstreet Boys, and a half dozen other hikers we don’t know. The only conversation is how awful that road walk was, and once we’ve complained ourselves into silence: the fires.

According to the general store owner the trail is closed north of us. According to the PCTA website the trail is still open but will probably be closed soon, but if you’re in Saied just hang out and wait. But how long? Nobody knows. We just talk ourselves in loops, hashing out the same limited information via the same slow wifi. What to do, what to do. Nobody wants to be the first to make the call. Nobody wants to have hiked almost to Oregon only to have the rug pulled out from under them. We are so close, we all want to cross that border no matter how arbitrary and irrelevant it is, we want this. Don’t take it away now. Please.

My mom texts me to say that she’s contacted the Klamath forest and that a closure is imminent. It’s just a matter of time now. And even if it wasn’t, the fire is burning a mile north of the trail, which is such a small buffer as to be laughable, or rather, lethal. I relay this information to the group and one hiker hops to his feet, he’s going to make a run for it. Maybe he can make it to Oregon before a official closure goes into effect. However, 35 miles at hiking pace, his odds aren’t great. Or maybe they are since nobody knows what the fire is doing, when or if it might hit the trail. The rest of us stay put until the owner of the RV park comes by to say it’s time to pay up or pack out. But still, nobody wants to make the call so we all head back to the picnic table by the closed cafe and talk in even more loops as more hikers arrive.

35 miles to Oregon. A fire only a mile from the trail with 5% containment. Twenty hikers in Seiad Valley with more on the way. Rumors of closures, instructions to stay put. Smoke so thick the sun is red and we can barely see the ridge right above us. Keith and I are finally the bold, or perhaps just sensible, ones and we tell the others we’re hitching to Ashland. The danger, the smoke, it’s not worth it. Growing up in Colorado I leaned that you don’t mess with fires, that they can move faster than you know and will destroy everything in their path until there is nothing left but a ruined black husk. Pogo and Mirage join us and after an hour spent overheating on the side of the road we’ve got a hitch to Yreka near I-5. The other hikers cheer as all four of us cram into the back seat of the Jeep—I’m the only one who bothers with a seatbelt.

Our saviours are two young women, river guides just heading back from a multi day trip on the Klamath. They blast the Cranberries as we fly towards the highway, we are a laughing jumble of nylon-clad limbs and backpacks, the wind from the open windows swatting at my face. Within an hour we’re tumbling from their car in a gas station in Yreka. In another 30 minutes Keith and I are heading north on I-5 towards Ashland. We’re across the Oregon border in the back of a Nissan with no photo op, no tears or excitement or much of anything.

We arrive in Ashland to the news that the trail between Saied and the border is closed, those still hiking are being evacuated, and everybody else is being told to head north. So we made the right choice, but what of it. On the PCT there are so few meaningful landmarks – the halfway point, Oregon border, Washington border, northern terminus/Canadian border. That’s it’s. Due to our flip the halfway marker was meaningless, and now due to a fire we won’t cross onto Oregon on foot. It’s hard not to feel saddened, to feel like I’m missing out. Embarrassing as it sounds, I’d even thought of the photo I would take at the border—I’ve been thinking about it for days. I just wanted some tangible evidence that all of this walking was getting me somewhere. That I was doing anything at all.

Maybe the trail is simply teaching me to let go of attachments to ideas and plans. That you can still succeed even if it doesn’t look anything like you imagined it would. And no lesson comes without discomfort, there are no adventures where everything goes to plan. Acceptance. Moving on. That is all I can do.

Campsite at mile 1614 to campsite at mile 1637

I am standing armpit deep in shrubbery. The dense overgrowth presses onto the trail from all sides, obscuring the narrow ribbon of dirt from view. The only way I can sense where I need to go is by pushing forward into the most forgiving portion of the green wall, assuming that it is the trail. I am surrounded on all sides by thick green bushes, wildflowers, and big leafy green stocks which look somewhat like corn plants without the ears. If someone were to view the scene from above, I imagine I would appear like a large purple and blue flower in the center of a green carpet. But of course there is no such spectator. Keith is a few miles behind me taking care of business. And Backstreet Boys—what I’ve dubbed the three-pack of shaggy haired young men we’ve leapfrogged all day—are somewhere even further back than that.

In a moment that drags me to a stop and makes my shoulders relax, I realize I am completely alone. That I am likely the only person for a mile. It is like taking a lungful of air after discovering you have been holding your breath for a while. The lifting of the gaze of another human feels like shedding a heavy coat in the familiar front hall of your home. I have missed being alone in nature, more profoundly than I had recognized before. Which is not to say that I do not love hiking with Keith, far from it. I feel so incredibly grateful that he is on this hike with me, having him out here has made this trip easier and more achievable than it would have otherwise been. But simply because one thing is true, doesn’t preclude another, conflicting thing from also being true. I can be happy to be hiking the trail with Keith, and also miss spending time alone. It’s not either/or but rather both/and.

Constant contact with other people is draining on me, like wearing a damp paper bag. It’s not the worst, it’s certainly not going to kill you, and some folks are more damp than others. But no matter how tolerable, how much you might enjoy that paper bag and barely notice that you’re even wearing it, it still feels nice to take it off. It still feels nice to be well and truly alone for a little while as you trod through a soggy bramble of flora. To not have to perform or consider anyone else, but to be just yourself, existing away from the eyes and thoughts and expectations of people. In a childlike way, it feels like disappearing. Following the logic that if nobody can see me, than am I even real?